


Pieces of Us

by elem (elem44)



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-22
Updated: 2011-05-22
Packaged: 2018-08-16 18:24:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8112676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elem44/pseuds/elem
Summary: A post Endgame vignette.





	

**Author's Note:**

> For Brianna on her birthday. I hope you have a wonderful day, my friend.

Kathryn leant back in her chair, exhaled slowly and let her eyes drift around the table to the faces of her senior staff. A small smile softened her lips. They’d spent a wonderful evening together and she was sorry to see it coming to an end. The impromptu dinner party at Tom and B’Elanna’s new home had been the perfect setting for their first informal reunion. Six weeks had passed since Voyager touched down in San Francisco and everyone had marvelled at how quickly the time had gone.

But for Kathryn, it seemed like a lifetime.

Her friends had been careful not to say too much, no doubt in deference to her years as their captain, not to mention her bordering-on-obsessive drive for home.  However, the undercurrent of the evening’s conversation was clear – life back on Earth wasn’t quite what they’d expected it to be. Long hours at work, difficulty acclimating and a sense of isolation were the common threads.

They didn’t quite fit in.

Starfleet was a vastly different animal from the one they’d left behind seven years ago and although Kathryn appreciated her companions’ attempt to protect her feelings; she was keenly aware of their current dilemma and shared their disquiet.

The Dominion war had brought about profound and unalterable changes to their home quadrant, the long-fought struggle inflicting grave and damaging blows on both the Federation and its inhabitants. There were considerable losses to come to terms with for many of her crew – friends and family members were either gone or gravely injured – and the harsh reality of the brutal conflict remained etched on the faces of those who’d survived.

Given time, the Federation would recover – individuals too – but it wasn’t the Earth Kathryn had expected to find upon her return and along with the majority of her crew, she was having trouble establishing a foothold in this new and unexpected reality.

And yes, they too would eventually come to terms with the differences, but she couldn’t ignore the ache in her middle and the corresponding yearning she felt for Voyager and the life she’d led there.

She was aware that the pangs of nostalgia were completely irrational, certainly in light of her tenacious fight to get here, but she couldn’t shake the intense feelings of loss and regret. Thoughts plagued her, and she knew if she had her time over again, she’d spend less of it pining for Earth and a lot more of it appreciating the people and the experiences they’d shared on that epic journey. A constant mantra of ‘you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone’ throbbed behind a persistent dull headache – the irritatingly apt homily droning on incessantly in her elder self’s voice – and she really wished it would stop.

Something intrinsic was missing from her life here on Earth and as hard as she tried, she couldn’t pinpoint what it was.

What she did know, however, was that it was something vital.

She cast her eyes around the table once more and noted her fellow dinner companions’ obvious reluctance to leave. Their time together, although delightful, had merely emphasised the loss and longing. Not that there was much they could do about it. Returning to the Delta Quadrant certainly wasn’t an option and even if it were, Voyager was no longer under her command – another pang of sadness speared her middle at the thought.

Kathryn wondered idly what Admiral Janeway would think if she could see them now. She was fairly certain that this wasn’t what her elder counterpart would have wished for them.

These thoughts tumbled relentlessly through her mind but she couldn’t bring herself to articulate any of them, not without the fear of sounding ungrateful, erratic or just plain crazy. Perhaps she just needed time to get used to the change of pace and circumstances – it was a plausible strategy if one didn’t examine it too closely.

Movement at the table brought her back to the present. Harry was saying his goodbyes. He’d delayed as long as he could but with an early morning duty call and responsibilities to those under his command, he reluctantly called it a night. They exchanged hugs and promises to catch up soon and Kathryn watched him step through the open door, throw a sad smile over his shoulder and disappear into the San Francisco night. Seven followed a few minutes later and the Doctor took the opportunity to accompany her. Tuvok joined the departing procession; although back from Vulcan after his successful fal-tor-voh, he was still in the recovery phase of his treatment and needed his rest.

Kathryn and Chakotay stood with Tom and B’Elanna on the front porch and watched their friends’ silhouettes fade into the distance.

Equally loath to leave, Kathryn quietly sighed and mumbled a half-hearted, “I probably should head home, too.”

Tom jumped in quickly and gestured for them to go back inside. “It’s early yet, why don’t you both stay for a little while longer? Besides, you need to finish that bottle of Chateau Picard – Dad will court-martial you if we toss it out.”

Neither she nor Chakotay needed much persuading – it was the first time in weeks she’d felt anywhere near ‘normal’ and the thought of going back alone to her austere and silent apartment made her almost visibly shudder.

They both gratefully accepted Tom’s invitation to stay but their offer to help with the dishes was adamantly refused.

Grinning conspiratorially at one another, B’Elanna and Tom disappeared into the kitchen but not before sternly ordering their former captain and commander to relax and enjoy themselves.

With a wink, B’Elanna closed the door between the two rooms – an obvious and clumsy ploy to get them alone.

After a lengthy and uncomfortable pause, Kathryn looked across at her former first officer and smiled. “Well, we’ve been told in no uncertain terms.”

He matched her smile and nodded. “So it seems.” Then shrugged almost apologetically. “Subtlety was never their strong suit.”

Chuckling, Kathryn reached for her wine and took a sip to cover the slight awkwardness she felt at his mention of B’Elanna and Tom’s ruse but then silently chided herself for her diffidence; her reaction to his proximity was ridiculous. They’d known one another for years but now that they were home and his brief liaison with Seven was over, the dynamic of their relationship had begun a slow shift from friends to something else. But what that might be, she wasn’t quite sure.

Recollections of lingering looks and touches teased her thoughts and she swore she could see the same flashes of memories in his eyes. If she’d felt bolder and more centred, she might have done something about the situation but feeling so out of sorts led her to distrust her instincts.

All things being equal, she would have happily discussed her uncertainties with him; Chakotay was the one person whom she knew would understand her ambivalence and insecurities – but where to begin?

Reaching across the table, Chakotay picked up the bottle of wine and refreshed her glass before refilling his own and taking a sip.

When the silence became intolerable, Kathryn cleared her throat and tried to think of something to say but Chakotay beat her to it.

“It doesn’t feel right, does it?”

“What doesn’t?”

Their eyes met and he made and all-encompassing gesture with one hand. “Everything.”

Her insecurities guided her reaction. Did he resent her for bringing them home? She tried not to sound too defensive when she asked, “You’re not happy to be back?”

“Are you?”

She hesitated. It was only for a heartbeat, but it was long enough to give him his answer. When their eyes met again, she could see that he knew exactly how she felt. He was feeling it, too.

She should have known.

Relief that she wasn’t alone in her thoughts brought forth an unwanted sting of tears and she quickly averted her gaze. Old habits died hard and she couldn’t bear the thought of him seeing her so out of sorts, but it was too perfect an opportunity not to tentatively open that long-ignored doorway.

Taking a deep breath, she tried to explain. “It’s ridiculous really, that after seven years marooned in another part of the galaxy, I feel more displaced and lost here than I ever did out there. People and places that should be familiar seem strange and otherworldly.” She shook her head in irritation at her inability to adequately express what she was feeling. “I’m sorry, that doesn’t even make sense. I just feel odd and off kilter. I miss Voyager more than I ever thought possible and find myself reliving experiences in an attempt to centre myself. In the process, I’ve been inundated by moments and memories that I thought I’d left behind long ago.”

He leaned forward, resting his forearms on the table, his hands clasped loosely in front of him. “About us?”

She nodded, slowly. “Am I being a fool?” It was a rhetorical question – she was pretty sure she was being a complete idiot – and continued before he could answer. “My memories of us are like pieces of a puzzle, all scattered and hazy; some fit together perfectly and others not so well – it’s all jumbled up.” She was still doing a lousy job of articulating her thoughts. She met his eyes again. “I spent so many years suppressing and denying my feelings that I think I’m having trouble finding them again and wonder sometimes if I imagined it all.”

“You didn’t. It was real.”

“Was it?”

He nodded, a warm smile spreading across his handsome features. “Very real.”

Kathryn took a steadying breath and the timbre of her voice deepened. “I always thought so, but at the time I couldn’t afford to invest in dreams and maybes. It’s just that I didn’t expect it to seem so… broken and scattered. My head is full of half-remembered moments, missed opportunities and so many things left unsaid.” Her eyes met his and she steeled herself for his answer. “It’s not too late, is it?”

He reached across the table and took her hand, weaving his fingers through hers.

Their clasped hands brought a particular memory into sharp focus and Kathryn stared in surprise as she vividly recalled a long-ago night on a faraway planet and the words of his absurd but tender story.

His thumb stroked down the side of her hand, over her wrist to where her pulse jumped under her skin.

“It’s all still here, Kathryn, and so are we.”

She gripped his fingers tighter and let her eyes linger on his. He was right. It was all still here; she could read it in his eyes. Now it was just a matter of letting go, of allowing her heart to open up and accept that after all these years, they’d come full circle and the meandering, obstacle-ridden path had led them back to one another.

“It hasn’t slipped through our fingers?”

He shook his head. “Not for me. You?”

Kathryn studied his face, before her eyes drifted to their clasped hands. She shook her head slowly, a smile tugging at the corner of her lips. “No. Not for me either.”

Leaning closer, Chakotay pulled her hand towards him and kissed her fingers. “Now it’s time for the warrior woman to find her peace.”

A sweet explosion of joy filled Kathryn’s chest and the lingering ache began to fade. She huffed a small laugh and whispered, “It’s hard to believe.”

“What is?”

She shrugged as she smiled. “ _This._ That after all these years, we still feel the same.”

He shook his head. “Not the same. We’ve changed and grown; I love you more now than I ever have.”

It was the first time the words had been spoken aloud and Kathryn could feel the warmth of them suffuse her body. “I love you, too.”

Chakotay smiled, his dark eyes alive and filled with promise.

She took a deep breath and tugged his hand. “I think it’s time to go.” Then she nodded towards the door to the kitchen. “If they’ll let us.”

Without relinquishing her hand, he stood and pulled her towards him. She happily stepped around the table and into his arms.

Chakotay’s smile broadened. “Oh, I think they will. They’ve achieved what they set out to do.”

Kathryn rolled her eyes but then lifted her hand to trace the lines of his tattoo; her palm lingered on the side of his face before she slid her hand behind his head and pulled him closer.

He whispered against her mouth, “Let’s go home.”

She took a deep shuddering breath and husked, “I am home.”

And for the first time since they’d stepped off Voyager’s Bridge, Kathryn felt the ground steady beneath her feet. The sensation was only fleeting as in the next moment, Chakotay’s lips met hers, her heart took flight and she was floating on air.

fin


End file.
